Trump invents July 4th Fireworks

President Donald J. Trump announced today that on July 4th there will be a fireworks display in Washington DC to honor America. Imagine that! Fireworks for the first time at the Washington Mall. There also was the possibility that little oblong processed meat tubes, served in a bun, would be available for purchase. He said he had ordered the White House chef to call them “hot dogs.”
In a momentous press conference Trump touched on numerous topics. Admitting he was the “bestest”, most “beautiful” President ever, he did admit to a few minor flaws. He said he does cheat on his wife, but added that he had cheated on all of them, “so that makes it ok, right?” He said he told his lawyer to pay off a few bimbos, so that it wouldn’t become “fake news” and ruin his Presidential bid in 2016.
In an astonishing revelation of what he called “no news at all” he admitted he does not read any briefings as his “colossal ADD” keeps his attention span equal to that of a gnat. He prefers to watch Fox News for the “truth.”
As far as his Campaign committee and other Secretarial appointments, he said he trusted only “right wing advisors” who had compiled a list of donors and polluters to which he owed allegiance. As far as them being indicted for misuse of their office, Trump said he does that all the time, “so what’s the problem”? He also said he still does not want to release his taxes as only idiots are honest when it comes to them, and his lawyers assured him he could stall it until long after he was out of office.
He said he admires Putin and Kim Jong Un because they are ”great leaders who lie to their people and do whatever they want in office.” That is my model, I am the President, Seig Heil! He said he was only kidding about that reference because he is the “bestest friend to Afro Americans and Latinos”, whom he referred to as “them”. He proudly stated he had made more money in office than any of the previous ten Presidents. Saying the business of America is money and if you want to makes some,”back me and we will all get richer”. He did get mad at questions referring to climate change and dismissed them saying “its too hot today for that foolishness”.
He said he loves to go to his rallies as they are a great place to ”talk to yourself out loud and ramble.” What he liked most is that whatever he says, truth or not is believed and he then gets applause. “Who doesn’t love that”?
Then he said if Robert Mueller clears him, he will be the greatest Special Council ever appointed. But if he finds that Trump did something wrong, he will ask that the “rat” Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions be tried for treason as he was supposed to make it all go away, and that’s why he was appointed. As far as illegal contributions and money laundering, Trump said that was not as issue because everyone does it, and why single him out? When asked why he is so tough on Mexicans, he said because he is 6’7” he never sees them anyway and was told by El Chapo that they don’t like it when you steal from them. When asked why he plays golf so much when he said he would be “the hardest working President ever”, he said he figured out he could go to his own place, charge the government for it and invite billionaires to spend their money trying to get deals with him, while he rode around in a cart, laughing at everybody. Its the best thing ever, he said , and no ones knows anything about it.
He ended the conference by reminding people to lock Hillary up and don’t read the Mueller Report, because Mueller is really not a Republican, he is a secret newspaper man, and only the National Enquirer can be trusted.